Suicide is for those that don't realize we're all already dead....

I got the job at Best Buy.

McDonalds, goodbye. I am now a minion of my Glorious Best Buy. I believe I mentioned something about a manical laugh once I found out for sure.

Ahem.

MUAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....

I'd go on a slew of "fuck you's" and "I knew it all along's" but that would be lame so....moving on.

This week I think I earned "cat owner of the year" award. If I didn't, someone fucked up, because I bloody well should have. The story? Ah, sit tight nonexistent trollish children....it's almost a long one.....

I walked into the kitchen sometime around Monday, and I kept hearing this meowing underneath the floor. I checked the basement, and there was nothing of the feline variety to be found (other animals on the rodent side of the spectrum however, were plentiful). All around the house I searched. Still nothing. I decided that perchance it was just a barn cat outside intent on making my life ever more the living hell that inevitably aspires to be. Days later though, it was still there. Finally, I discovered the source of it all.....

Underneath the crawlspace.

For those of you in those nearly enviable modern homes they have these days, crawlspaces are disgusting, vile areas underneath a house where one can crawl in. For what particular purpose, I'm not exactly sure. But our house is over 160 years old, and we have one. But anyway......

Imagine my horror, for a brief moment, to discover this. To look inside that spider infested, rodent bearing, Lucifer knows what else hole in the ground and realize......

I'm going to have to go in there.

It was one of the few places on this planet where I've vhemently aspired not to go. Alas, the moment had come, and while I knew I was going to have to go in there to see where this bastardly animal was, little did I know the worst was yet to come......

The first "step" (well, crawl really) was okay. Morbid curiosity even managed to kick in for a brief moment. Here I was in the crawlspace of a comparatively ancient house where no one had probably gone in in probably fifty or so years. Another foot or so in, however, and the disgusted horror set it. With the beams to the floor of my house smashing into my back (one of those moments where I can truly appreciate not being claustrophobic), I looked to my left and saw less than three inches from my face.......

A giant thing of spider eggs.

Keep in mind, this wasn't one of those clusters that one finds in there house when one has neglected to clean their room for many a moon. This was straight out of that "Arachnaphobia" movie. And while being highly arachnaphobic, I managed to keep relative apathy (by relative, I mean there was much swearing involved) and press on into the impending darkness. Still I heard the meowing, though couldn't find the source of it until I saw a cluster of rocks where the sound suspiciously resonated. Five more feet in and every "Ring" joke I ever made bit the dust.

Do you know what I found?

In what looks strikingly similar to that well pit in "The Ring" only without water and slightly less deep, I found the cat that had so elusively dodged my radar. There, twelve feet down in this uncovered, unknown, and entirely creepy pit it sat, meowing for dear life. Honestly, I would have been content to let it rot, but my own indoor cat was having a fit, and the Parental Units bid me be the One of Feline Rescue. There was no easy way to save this cat, mind you. I certainly couldn't have, (nor would have. Rotting animal bodies, on the bottom of my boots, no thank you.) crawl into the pit to get it. Floor beams were in the way. The beams also hindered the use of any nets, and the idiocy of the cat left most other means that were thought of useless.

In the end we ended up getting a hole cut through the kitchen floor, and lassoing the damn thing around the neck to get it out. I spent a total of about seven hours in that infested little hell.

All for a goddamned cat.

That's right everyone. That fucking award is MINE.

Oh. And I work at Best Buy. Marvel everyone, I'm better than you. MUA. HA. HA.